As time goes by

Feeling a little sad tonight.  Last night in the house.  When Jackie and I built this house in 1992 it was our dream house, the one they would carry us out from.  Was it perfect?  No, but we didn't want a perfect house.  We wanted one with character, charm....something different.
This used to be a cornfield.  In fact, when I was out riding my bike I passed it one day and it was corn, the next day it was a subdivision.  I don't remember what we paid for the lot, but it was a fortune back in those days.
We paid off the lot and built.  Steve DeGolier and I bought 200 pine trees from the state and I planted some on Mill Pond and some here.  The trees have grown nicely.  We put in two sugar maples in front and each fall the trees turn a burning orange and a firey red before dropping millions of leaves.
We moved Martha, a white pine Emily got in third grade.  I dug up Martha from Mill Pond and moved her to a new spot in our lives and she, like us, thrived.
I planted gardens, and bushes, and apple trees, and more flowers, more bushes, more trees.  I've watched them grow and wither.  We even have one I didn't plant, but it was allowed to stay and be part of us.
Summers I would spend my afternoons and evenings on the breezeway.  Sometimes sweating, doing my crossword, drinking tea.   Listening to the sounds of the birds, coyotes, owls.....and some strange music on my cd player.
Tonight Wendy, Jackie and I watched three deer frolicking in the back yard...acting like young kids.
I don't want to leave.  But watching Jackie haul herself up the stairs makes me realize I really don't have much choice.
So I've done my packing of stuff.  I've tossed, recycled, donated, saved.....but there are some things you just have to say goodbye to.
I had hoped it would be cold tonight so I could have one final fire and a toast.  But it's too warm.  And my corkscrew is packed.
I can't tell you how much I hate MS.  I can't tell you how much it hurts me to watch Jackie struggle into the house or up the stairs.  I can't tell you how many nights I've prayed for a cure.  Or the number of mornings I have asked God for one more miracle in my life.  But I guessed I've used up my quota with Julia, Emily, and Jackie.
What I can tell you is I've wandered the house, touched the walls, caressed the doors and said my good byes.
And that I am sad.